The phrase, "his mercies are new every morning," resounds in my mind as I'm writing this blog and contemplating on His goodness.
These past couple months, I have struggled with the question "what does women in ministry look like?" as well as "what does a women's role in marriage or a relationship look like?"
Now, I must reaffirm to you I do not have any plans on marriage during my college journey at Zion! But, I have been exposed to these issues in some of my classes at school.
Once again, I say that His mercies are new every morning because He has given me an immensity of grace as I wrestle with this issue.
For a few weeks now, I am realizing that the answer to these questions is suddenly beginning to unravel. I'm observing women of godly stature who continually demonstrate authentic humility during my experience at Olympia, WA. I continue to see this picture in my head. I see an anchor that is starting to sink down and cling to this desire that I have tried at all costs to avoid.
In all transparency, I have always desired to be a godly person, but not necessarily a godly women. There has always been a part of me that cringes when I hear terms such as "women's ministry," "girls night," and so on.
Rebellion to these following things as well as being a mother, having kids, and being submissive to their husband has gradually consumed me. But, this is sin. I must be conformed to the stance that the Word takes on this instead of trying to have the Word conform to my fleshly desires.
I must submit to being a godly woman and die to my rebellion and pride in this area. There is joy in this, joy in knowing that I am glorifying God in this area of my life. Oh how I have compromised God's joy for my own joy, which in actuality really isn't joy, but the end product is baggage and suffering that He never wanted me to originally have. On the contrary, the pain and suffering that is involved in becoming conformed to His Word results in joy, His joy which surpasses my own.
Nailing this sin to the cross will initially bring immense pain as I shed the skin of my "own" will and fully clothe myself with His will. I stand before an audience of one and will only answer to Him at the end of my life. He truly knows me. Such reassurance I receive when I think of Psalms 139:1-18, which is what I will leave you with.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem in me, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.